Mmm.... tasty, tasty spam

For a variety of reasons (mostly posting my email address on sex chat forums) I receive a great deal of spam. At least, I assume it's spam. Maybe there really are people urgently requiring my help to smuggle money out of their country. Like this lady, Mrs. Mariam Sancara of Ouagadougou. You know the song. Ouaaaaa...ga....dougou, gou, gou, push pineapple, shake a tree, etc. For those of you none the wiser, Ouagadougou is the capital of Burkina Faso, which Mrs. Sancara repeatedly refers to as Bukina Faso (which I thought was some kind of specialist porn).

Mrs. Sancara writes me a lovely email:

My Dear Friend,

My, isn't that nice? I don't recall ever meeting Mrs. Sancara or having heard of her before, but the fact she holds me in such high regard is touching. She continues,

May the blessings of Allah be upon you...

Does this involve him turning up in my dinner? Because I'm not sure I want that.

...and grant you the wisdom and sympathy to understand my situation and how much I need your help.

Don't worry, darlin'. Wisdom and sympathy are my middle names. Actually, Twisty Poi is my middle name, but I digress.

I am Mrs.Mariam Sancara.

Yes, I know. You already told me. You'd think I'd already know that, what with us being such good friends an' all.

I am contacting you with the hope that you will be of great assistance to me, I currently have within my reach the sum of 4.3 million U.S dollars cash which I intend to use for investment purposes.

Holy moley, that a lot of moolah. And it's within reach? What, are you rolling around in a huge pile of it? Because that's totally what I would do.

I therefore personally appeal to you seriously and religiously...

Religiously? Is Allah in for a cut?

...for your urgent assistance to move this money in to your country where I believe it will be safe...

Boy, you don't know me very well, do you? The moment the cheque clears, I'm swiping the lot and buggering off to Aruba.

...since I cannot leave the country due to the restriction of movement imposed on the members of my family by the Government.

Bummer. Although, no restrictions on accessing the internet, apparently. House arrest isn't what it used to be.

This money came as a result of a payback contract deal between my husband and a Russian firm in our country.

Well, hell, if you can't trust the Russians, who can you trust?

The Russian partners returned my husbands share .

Wait. What? How does that work? I don't get it.

Presently, the Government has intensified their probe in to my husbands financial resources...

I don't blame them. Sounds like there was something dodgy going on.

...which has led to the freezing of all our accounts, local and foreign, the revoking of all our business licences and the arrest of my First son.

Except, apparently, the account that has the 4.3 million bucks in it. That seems lax on their part.

In view of this I want to acted very fast to withdraw this money from one of our finance houses before it will be closed down.

Oh, I see. They haven't closed it down immediately, they've given you a couple of days. Well, that's nice of them. I would want to acted very fast, too.

My husband deposited the money in a finance firm for safe keeping .

Sensible. You don't want all that cash just lying about the place. Unless you're rolling around in it.

No record is known about this fund by the government because there is no documentation showing that we have such funds.

Um. Ok. Then how are they freezing an account they know nothing about? I'm confused.

Further more, my elder son have been in detention in the last four years following the death of my late husband for charges of State organized murder and corrupt practices.

Whoa, Nelly!! What the fuck? Your son has been inside for four years for 'State organized murder and corrupt practices'? He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Why did they only arrest him after the death of your husband? Did your son bump off his dad? This bit just raises a lot of questions, all of them with potentially unpleasant answers. I'm starting to wonder if I want to get mixed up with you people.

...he was just been released by the Supreme Court after the president brokered a deal with my family regarding his freedom,

Well, that was good of him. After all, if the murder was State organised, the president could hardly condemn it, right? And all governments are willing to overlook the odd corrupt practice here and there.

...and he is still under interrogation about my late husband's assets and some vital documents.

The vital documents that don't exist? That's gonna be some tough interrogation.

Due to the current situation in the country and government attitude to my family,I cannot make use of this money within, thus I seek your help in transferring this funds out for investment than leaving the fund here and to invest the money to profit my family Bearing in mind that you may assist me.l have decided to part with 25% of the total sum.

So, that's $1,075,000. Not bad, but what's stopping me just stealing the whole $4.5 mil? You seem very trusting. Wait, this works out to be £537,500. I'm starting to wonder if this is worth my time and effort, what with getting into the Bukina-Faso [sic] government's bad books. Still, I guess £537,500 would still get me to Arruba with enough left over for some reconstructive surgery.

I am seriously considering to settle down abroad in a friendly atmosphere like yours

Yes, England is well known for it's welcoming attitude to Muslim immigrants.

I shall ask my son Djiba to come over to your country to liaise with you.

I do hope this isn't the murderer. Suddenly the word 'liaise' takes on sinister connotations. Presumably, the government hasn't placed any 'restriction of movement' on Djiba. That's lucky!

If this proposal satisfies you. please do not let me out to the security as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence...

Oh, shit. I just posted the whole thing on the internet. My bad.

...and please include your personal telephone and fax numbers.

Fax number? Who the fuck uses fax machines anymore? Why don't I just send you a carrier pigeon?

I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith.

Your URGENT response is needed.

Regards and Allah Bless you.

Mrs.Mariam Sancara.

Well, Mariam, your proposal is most tempting. Who wouldn't want to get half a mil for pissing off a corrupt government who are currently 'interrogating' (I take this to mean 'torturing') your son?

I just need a couple of days to think about it. Not URGENT enough?

Cavalcade of Cunts #1

The first in an occasional series where we identify notable ne'erdowells in the news and brand them publicly with everyone's favourite obscenity. It's not big and it's not clever but goddamn, it's satisfying.

First up are these two heartless wannabe-gangsta pricks, Jospeh Chin and Kevron (no, don't laugh, that's really his name) Williams. They chased after a bus when a 14 year old kid on board gave them a 'dirty look', then stabbed him to death- in the back, no less. What a couple of cunts.

A 12 year sentence was handed down to Chin- an ironic name, given that that is where he's likely to find some burly lag's nutsack in the near future.

Look out for another in our Cavalcade of Cunts very soon. Puerile, so you don't have to be.

Bashing the bishops

In the news today, a group of 40 Anglican bishops have been discussing Bible teachings on homosexuality at the Lambeth Conference in Canterbury. Apparently other topics at the conference included the impending cataclysm of global warming and the ongoing tragedy of world poverty. This, however, was the important stuff. Famine, disease and global annihilation are but small fry compared to the burning issue of whether God wants gays in his club.

Meanwhile, members of the Lesbian and Gay Christian movement held a protest outside, led by professional gay... oops... I mean 'human rights activist' Peter Tatchell. The demonstration reached fever pitch when the protestors unfurled a banner. Yeah, fight the power! Anarchy in the streets!

Traditionalist Anglicans say several passages in the Bible clearly outlaw active homosexuality.

And they have a point. Even allowing for some 'interpretation,' the bible seems pretty unequivocal. Leviticus 18:22 states quite clearly:

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Mind you, Leviticus also forbids the eating of shellfish (chapter 11), declares menstruating women to be 'unclean' (chapter 15) and gives instructions on sacrificing birds in order to cleanse lepers (chapter 14).

Strangely, none of these things seem to be hot topics with the bishops. But I'm sure once the whole homosexual thing has been sorted out, they'll get right on the abomination that is shrimp toast.

Here's a newsflash for ya, Lesbian and Gay Christians. The church doesn't want you and their book makes it implicit.

So, here's an idea. How about we just ignore the bizarre and seemingly random laws laid down by a 4,000 year old book and accept the fact that none of this has any relevance to how we live in the modern world. The alternative is public stonings for people caught eating lobster bisque.

The news report notes:

... [the] demo was said to have gone largely unnoticed by bishops, who left by a different exit after the discussion.

As opposed to the homosexuals. Who use a different entrance.

Ba-dum, tsshhhhh. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Tip your waiters.

And try the lobster.

Chicken and Wine

Saw a newspaper headline last night that read 'Amy (Winehouse) out of hospital thanks to KFC'.

Which shows how screwed up her immune system is. Works the other way round for most people.

Putting the fat back into fatwa

It seems that some pieces of meat that look like they might possibly have the name of Allah in them (if you squint a bit, in a certain light) are attracting flocks of gullible idiots to a restaurant in Nigeria. The meat was being served up to diners when the mysterious markings were noticed.

So, it's ok for Allah to appear on pieces of meat, but not on tasty, tasty ice cream cones. Boy, talk about fussy.
















Apparently, the restaurant owner boiled and then fried the meat. For which he must surely be considered an infidel.

He is quoted as saying:

"When the writings were discovered there were some Islamic scholars who come and eat here and they all commented that it was a sign to show that Islam is the only true religion for mankind."

Of course. What other way would Allah communicate this important information?

Although, from the look of that piece of meat, I'd say it was a sign to eat at some other restaurant.

A Boy Named Number 16 Bus Shelter

An interesting story here about a nine year old girl in New Zealand who went to court to have her name changed. Her parents had decided it would be a super wheeze to call their offspring Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.

Judge Rob Murfitt said that the name embarrassed the nine-year-old and could expose her to teasing.

Could? Obviously he's been nowhere near a playground lately (which would be unusual for a judge). Trust me, the kids are all over that one.

He attacked a trend of giving children bizarre names, citing several examples.

Among the names that had been allowed by officials were: Violence; Number 16 Bus Shelter; Midnight Chardonnay; Benson and Hedges (twins).

Those blocked included: Yeah Detroit; Stallion; Twisty Poi; Keenan Got Lucy; Sex Fruit; Fat Boy; Cinderella Beauty Blossom; Fish and Chips (twins)

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," Judge Murfitt wrote.

"It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

Oh, gee. Ya think?

Midnight Chardonnay has little option to becoming a prostitute in later life. Certainly, no one's going to law school with a name like that. I have a feeling that Cinderella Beauty Blossom was only turned down because Geri Halliwell already has dibs on that name for one of her future progeny.

Perhaps these kids will turn their ridiculous monikers to their advantage. Maybe, much like Johnny Cash's Boy Named Sue , Number 16 Bus Shelter Smith will grow up to be tough, confident and proud to be different.

Or that little Violence Jones lives up to his name and bludgeons his witless fucktard parents to death in their beds at night. You can only hope.

They know you're reading this on the internet...

According to recent news reports, the British government is considering a database containing details of all phone calls, e-mails and internet use.

I'm against such a database. Not because it continues the never ending erosion of our basic liberties and personal freedoms. Not because it brings closer the Orwellian Big Brother nightmare. We've long since lost our freedoms and right to privacy under the guise of 'counter-terrorism' and 'crime investigation'.

No, I'm against it because it would be fucking useless.

Someone's going to read my email? Even I don't read my email! My inbox is bulging with unread e-crap that I don't even have the time to delete. Who really needs to know how many times I've been emailed about 'cheap V1agra' or helping to transfer funds out of Nigeria?

The database would also include an incalculable number of messages from 15 year olds with variations on:

oi oi.. wut u up 2 @ da wknd?
dunno wana get propa fukd tho
yeh sweet dat sounds lyk a ryt giggel lol

Not only will this require monitoring, it will need a more sophisticated version of the Enigma Machine to decipher most of it.

And really, how useful is keeping tabs on my internet searches? Does knowing how many times I've Googled 'midget sex' help the War on Terror?

You almost feel pity for the poor drones who will have to monitor this endless crap, although I'm sure they'll be recompensed handsomely from the public purse. And how many of them will it take to keep tabs on this stuff? You’ll need a vast army of busybodies, snooping into your lives and those of everyone you know, around the clock, in the vain hope of catching someone planning a suicide bombing or a shipment of coke.

But perhaps I'm being too cynical about it. Maybe monitoring such correspondence really will ensure our nation's security. After all, if they can keep tabs on the bad guys and keep our personal details safe and secure, hey, why not? I’m sure we would all gladly trade our basic liberties and personal privacy in return for sleeping more soundly at night knowing that Our Government is doing all it can to protect us. However, considering the bozos at the Ministry of Defence lose a laptop every other day I don't have too much confidence for their data management skills.

If this bill goes through, we’ll all have to watch what we say and do online. As security minister Lord West told the House of Lords: "People must realise... there will be more people look at your internet information than look at a postcard when you write it."

Quite right. From now on I'm having all my midget fetish porn delivered directly to me in handy postcard form.