They know you're reading this on the internet...

According to recent news reports, the British government is considering a database containing details of all phone calls, e-mails and internet use.

I'm against such a database. Not because it continues the never ending erosion of our basic liberties and personal freedoms. Not because it brings closer the Orwellian Big Brother nightmare. We've long since lost our freedoms and right to privacy under the guise of 'counter-terrorism' and 'crime investigation'.

No, I'm against it because it would be fucking useless.

Someone's going to read my email? Even I don't read my email! My inbox is bulging with unread e-crap that I don't even have the time to delete. Who really needs to know how many times I've been emailed about 'cheap V1agra' or helping to transfer funds out of Nigeria?

The database would also include an incalculable number of messages from 15 year olds with variations on:

oi oi.. wut u up 2 @ da wknd?
dunno wana get propa fukd tho
yeh sweet dat sounds lyk a ryt giggel lol

Not only will this require monitoring, it will need a more sophisticated version of the Enigma Machine to decipher most of it.

And really, how useful is keeping tabs on my internet searches? Does knowing how many times I've Googled 'midget sex' help the War on Terror?

You almost feel pity for the poor drones who will have to monitor this endless crap, although I'm sure they'll be recompensed handsomely from the public purse. And how many of them will it take to keep tabs on this stuff? You’ll need a vast army of busybodies, snooping into your lives and those of everyone you know, around the clock, in the vain hope of catching someone planning a suicide bombing or a shipment of coke.

But perhaps I'm being too cynical about it. Maybe monitoring such correspondence really will ensure our nation's security. After all, if they can keep tabs on the bad guys and keep our personal details safe and secure, hey, why not? I’m sure we would all gladly trade our basic liberties and personal privacy in return for sleeping more soundly at night knowing that Our Government is doing all it can to protect us. However, considering the bozos at the Ministry of Defence lose a laptop every other day I don't have too much confidence for their data management skills.

If this bill goes through, we’ll all have to watch what we say and do online. As security minister Lord West told the House of Lords: "People must realise... there will be more people look at your internet information than look at a postcard when you write it."

Quite right. From now on I'm having all my midget fetish porn delivered directly to me in handy postcard form.